Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
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Trains are just sideway elevators.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.