*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
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{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.