Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
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[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone