Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
You Might Also Like
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
This has made my week.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors