Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
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I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
haha same
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras