I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
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SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
courtroom exchange of the day
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.