A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
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I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.