*struts into the new year
~ trips
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I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.