Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
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GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
absolute chaos
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone