Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
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Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”