If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
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I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
also my go-to takeaway order
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.