Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
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Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.