You when you started twitter vs. you now.
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I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.