How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
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I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
do horses think humans are hats
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.