Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
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Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
how to screw with your cat’s head 101