There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
You Might Also Like
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Great acting.. 😂
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like