I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
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Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.