152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
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Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.