The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
There’s only one good girl here!
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Does this dress make me look cat?
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
*Seductively hides in the woods
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐