French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
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shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
gm
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.