Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
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Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.