Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
You Might Also Like
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again