*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
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If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!