BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
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Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.