Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
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How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Pretty certain I can more drunk
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
So creative 😂
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.