Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
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my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS