I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
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Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…