When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
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Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?