*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
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*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
pat pat
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now