Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
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A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I mean…but I did
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.