Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
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Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Ken is short for chicken
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail