If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
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If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Breaking news:
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Guantanamo Bae
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
my proudest tweet
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name