girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
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Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
I’m good, thanks.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Many hands make light work
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”