John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
You Might Also Like
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him