PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
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Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
eating my hot dog hamburger style
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job