I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
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Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Made something I’m not proud of
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.