CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
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[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.