Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
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Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.