how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
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*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
i was baptized in a car wash
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Stop.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here