I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
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One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
The game has officially changed 😎
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.