12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
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Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.