when dads have a rap battle
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when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
got so much cardio in today
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Aw man, but that’s the best part
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.