Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
You Might Also Like
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..