Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
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Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.