Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
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we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Me redecorating every room in my mind