Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
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Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious