Radiohead fans, this is for you.
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[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
his wife is probably gonna see that
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
that de-escalated quickly
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet