[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
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[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
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Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works