Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
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looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
this is the news I live for
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”