Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
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Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
There is no “we” in pizza
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.